Turning Inwardly to Wonder

TOUCHSTONE: Vulnerability

When the going gets rough, turn to wonder. If you feel judgmental or defensive, ask yourself, “I wonder what my reaction has to teach me about myself?” “I wonder what brought her to this belief?” “I wonder what he’s feeling right now?” Set aside judgment to listen to yourself--and to others--more deeply.

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When the Unexpected Comes

I am a person who lives with emotions. A lot of them. This past holiday season was full of unwelcome, unexpected emotions. Things did not go as I had imaged. Lately I am learning that I have imaged things “should be” a certain way, especially when it comes to family. I have simply taken my view for granted. When things haven’t turned out as I have expected, my emotional spiral begins to take hold. Sometimes I feel as if I’m going along living my life and then, out of nowhere, I’m swept up in a whirlwind of unexpected emotions.

This past holiday season was not what I had expected. For the third year in a row, neither of my children came home for Christmas, even though I had assumed that this would be the year. I thought I would be hosting Thanksgiving with my new grandbaby, my son, and my daughter-in-law. That did not happen either. My husband had to work on both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, which meant that I would be spending much of Christmas alone, something I never imaged possible. Also, due to work and personal responsibilities, I could not take my mother to do all the traditional Christmas things that our family does. Enjoying Christmas outings together as a family is something I thought would always occur. Hence, all these unexpected circumstances added up, becoming a flood of disappointment, guilt, and sadness.

It seems that I thought that life would continue in the way that routine, family tradition, previous roles and experience had dictated. After all, I thought, this is the way “WE” do things. Yet, I’m coming to realize that not everyone holds the same expectations for life that I do, not even my family! I am coming to realize that I have developed and accepted several expectations from my upbringing, my cultural context, my experience, and my own desires that I tend to hold as absolutes. In fact, I never even question them until they are challenged. Life moves along smoothly until it doesn’t.

The whirlwind of unexpected emotions that I found myself facing over the holidays drew me to a place of vulnerability. I was faced with a decision, I could become bitter, angry, and a victim, or I could turn to wonder. I could ask myself, “I wonder why I hold these expectations?” “Are the choices my children are making to spite me, or are they simply choosing to live their own lives?” “When and where have I done similar things?” “What if this isn’t about me at all?” (As a mother, I can tend to take a lot of things personally!) “What gifts are right in front of me that I am failing to see because I am wrapped up in the blindness of my own expectations?”

Turning to Wonder

I chose to practice wonder. Let me tell you, the move from bitterness, anger, and thinking of myself as victim to a vulnerable heart that can turn to wonder…that move was not a smooth one, and neither was it direct or fast. It looked more like a downward and upward spiral than a straight line. Similar to many things in my life, my pattern tends to be a flood of emotions with an immediate response that is not so good (I can hold this back with most people, but watch out if you are my family!), followed by a wrestling match within myself, followed by points of clarity and insight, followed by more wrestling with a return to anger, bitterness, or victimhood, followed by clarity, and so on, and so on, and so on. You get the picture! My process is never smooth and easy!

In the end, I’d like to tell you that I was transformed and that everyone lived “Happily Ever After.” The truth of the matter is that my turning to wonder and learning to release my expectations is a continual journey. I will probably be on this journey for the rest of my life. Yet, what I can tell you is that I am learning to take some positive steps forward. My motto these days is becoming, “Progress, not perfection.”

Even though my overly emotional self wanted to throw up my hands and say, “I’m not doing Christmas this year!” (meaning, I’m not decorating, hosting anything, or thinking of what Christmas is really about, and I'm certainly not going to be happy), I managed to ride each wave of emotion and allow it time to subside. In the end, I decided to decorate my house as usual, finding that the festive décor in my home made ME happy. When asked by my sister if I was going to host Christmas Eve dinner, I erased the immediate text response that said, “I’m not really looking to host anything this year,” waited for several hours, and then decided, why not host. I discovered that setting the table, preparing the food, and Darren and I hosting my sister’s family and my Mom, even without my kids and their families, gave me joy. Instead of being alone on Christmas and feeling sorry for myself, I decided to invite my Mom to spend the night on Christmas Eve. When Darren had gone to bed early for work, Mom went with me to the midnight candlelight service at church. Instead of being alone on Christmas morning, Mom and I were able to share some special one on one time. Later that day, Darren and I spent time together on FaceTime talking with the kids and their families.

I am learning that things do not have to be as I have expected them to be in order to be good. The difficulty is in letting go of the expectation so that I can see my way forward. The promise is in releasing what I thought would be in order to accept the possibility of what can be.

How Might I Meet the Unexpected?

Thinking of my emotional roller coaster over the holidays draws me back to one of my favorite poems. For several years now Rumi’s poem, “The Guest House,” has been very important to me. It was a poem that helped me through 2021, the year that I accompanied my mother and father as a caregiver through my father’s death. It has since been a teacher that I return to when unwanted or unexpected emotions arrive. I would like to share this poem with you. Perhaps you will find, as I have, a meaningful invitation within these words.

The Guest House

Jalaluddin Rumi

Translated by Coleman Barks

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,

and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

A Few Things I Am Learning

Here are a few things that I am learning:

My learning journey is never over, it just keeps changing. Once I think I have figured something out, a new layer is pulled back.
Bitterness, anger, and victimhood are easy choices. They may even be justifiable choices. Yet, they will NEVER be the choice that gives me the fullness of life that I desire.
It is important to make room for the unexpected, because life is full of the unexpected. When the unexpected comes, welcome it! Invite it in and choose to sit with it for a while. Ask it, “What do you have to teach me?”
I have a choice. I can choose NOT to allow my expectations to blind me to the gifts and possibilities that are right in front of me.

This Being Human Is A Wild Ride

This being human is a wild ride! Sometimes I fool myself into thinking that I’ve learned this, I’ve been down this road, I’ve got this thing figured out…and then, life happens! Out of nowhere I am greeted by some unexpected visitor, the emotion or circumstance that I was not prepared for. At that moment I am faced with a choice. Do I slam the door in the unexpected's face, saying “I’m not letting you in,” all the while knowing that the emotion is right there, waiting, not going anywhere? Do I let the emotion in, saying “OK. Come on in and let me tell you why you are here?” Do I yell at the emotion, saying “You shouldn’t be here! I don’t deserve for you to be here?” Or maybe, just maybe, do I say, “Welcome. I didn’t know you were coming, but come on in. Have a seat. Make yourself comfortable. I will sit with you and allow you to teach me. When the time is right, I will walk you to the door and wish you farewell. I will be grateful that you came?”

I realize the choice is mine. Unexpected circumstances will never cease to come. My reactions to those circumstances will always exist. Emotions are good. They show us that we care. They are part of what it means to be human. But extreme emotions, out of control emotions, or the opposite, denied emotions, point out my inability to meet life in its fullness. It is only when I can greet life, all of it, the good and the bad, the joyful and the sorrowful, the confusing and the ambiguous, acknowledging it all, that I can choose who I want to be in it. I cannot control life, I cannot control others, but I can control who I am, how I respond, and the person I want to be. I want to choose life and show up to it as fully as I can. It’s a journey. I’m learning.

With love and gratitude,